The roster · 13 all-time · 10 still standing
The Managers
Every manager who has ever taken a snap in this league, rated with the honesty they've earned. Scouting reports are final and grievances can be filed directly into the group chat, where they will be ignored.
Active Roster
10 franchises · 2026
2024 champion. A career .500 grinder who picked exactly the right year to be good, then immediately went 5-9 defending the crown.
Reigning champion. Spent three years in the wilderness below .500, then dropped 1,856 points on the league in 2025 and took the belt off Tony's neck in the Finals. Redemption arc complete; sustaining it is another matter.
Won the inaugural 2022 title by slaying an undefeated Tony in the Finals — the greatest upset this league has ever seen. Has spent every season since reminding everyone of it while finishing progressively closer to the basement.
Walked into the league in 2023 and immediately went 12-2. Owns the best win rate in league history and absolutely nothing to show for it. Regular-season royalty, playoff pedestrian.
Quietly seven games over .500 for his career and never seems to come up in title conversations. The league's most anonymous winning record. This is either respect waiting to happen or a scouting failure by everyone.
Author of the only perfect regular season in league history — and the man who lost the championship anyway. Followed his 14-0 masterpiece with a 1-13 season that scientists still cannot explain. Two Finals appearances. Zero rings. The league's Marino.
The league's all-time wins leader, somehow, at two games over .500. Peaked with an 11-3 season in 2024 that ended in Finals heartbreak, then fell straight back to 5-9.
Five seasons of relentless mediocrity punctuated by one genuinely good 2023. Never the best, never the absolute worst, always lurking around .500 like a man waiting for a bus that is not coming.
An 8-6 debut in 2022 suggested promise. The four seasons since — 5-9, 5-9, 6-8 — suggest the debut was the fluke. Remarkably consistent, in the way a leaky faucet is consistent.
Has scored more points than any manager in league history and owns the worst record among the five-year members. If fantasy football were fair he would have a ring. It is not, and he does not.
Retired Jerseys
Gone, occasionally missedThey left the league — some on top, some in disgrace, one for reasons nobody has ever explained. Their numbers hang here anyway.
Won the 2023 championship and vanished, never to be seen again. The only manager to leave on top. The belt he took with him remains, spiritually, unreturned.
Appeared in 2024, went 9-5, made the playoffs, and disappeared forever. Nobody knows why he came. Nobody knows why he left.
Three seasons, one 1-13 catastrophe in 2024, immediate retirement. Some men are built for this league. He was not.